The disjointed thoughts of a delusional, self-absorbed teen

Do you ever just feel empty. Not sad, just more like a void of suck which consumes things. 

I have no idea why I'm here. Why do I sit in front of a computer, blogging to people I don't know about the strange feelings I get?

Where does this leave me?

Sometimes I feel like I blame circumstance too much. Maybe I should just start blaming myself? Surely it can't be someone else's fault.

The truth is, I let myself down every single day of my life, and I'm just too stupid to accept it. I cover my own failures with bad jokes, loud music and over enthusiastic dancing. 

Do you ever just want to scream really loud?
I don't want to alarm my neighbours, but I've had this scream building up in my throat for days and I just can't shake it.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever sort out my life. 

I often think about the future.
Will I be happy when I pick my own subjects?
Will I be happy when I graduate?
Will I be happy when I move out?

I don't even really know when I'm happy anymore or when I'm just faking it for my own sake. My parents don't know how I really feel and my friends would just think it's a cry for attention

Which it probably is anyway.
I'm self centred and egotistical and I just don't want to admit it

Why do I always feel so empty? Happiness is only ever fleeting and I want to break free from this mentality but I don't want to draw attention to myself. I guess I'll just stick to inwardly keeping everything in until I break once again.

At least then I won't embarrass myself in front of other people again.

Where am I going?

Where am I going?

What am I doing with my life?

These are the questions that I ask as I sit alone in my room, listening to music and watching YouTube videos about Australian Consumer Law.

Since when I have I gotten so philosophical?

I feel so depressing when I write things online...Where does the over-enthusiastic side of me go when I feel sad?

Does it disappear, leaving me to my misery or is it simply dulled in comparison to circumstance?

Why is life so unfair? 

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I know people who have cancer and they have never beaten people up or been a rowdy mess when people have done nothing wrong. 

Newton said that every force has an equal and opposite reaction, but where is it when the bad things are happening?

What is the silver lining of cancer? 

Does everything everything really have a silver lining, or is that just what we say to make ourselves feel better?

(Why can I only ask these questions anonymously on the internet?)

The cold hard shock of reality like icy water in the morning.

When you first get to High School, it's all very exciting. I mean - moving from classroom to classroom? Getting different teachers? Fancy timetables?

That didn't last too long. 

I am now in grade 10 and let me tell you now that High School isn't all it's chalked up to be. 

I have never had a boyfriend. I haven't gracefully run into the perfect guy as I've dropped all my books and he helps me. 

I trip over my own disgusting brown leather school shoes easily enough, and my friends are the only ones who help me.

You don't have problems about the centre lunch table and who's captain of the football team because in Australia, you don't have a cafeteria or a football team as such.

No-one calls you "loser" but that's only because they sure as hell won't talk to you. 

You don't get drunk at a party and confess your undying love for your crush because you sit in the corner, suffering through the minutes by drinking lemonade with a fork.

Suddenly even the sweet arty girls notice you're weird. 

Your only solace is finding joy in fictional worlds where shit happens, but everything turns out alright in the end. 

You dream of joining them, but they're so far away. You just have to be content with admiring them from the outside looking in. A passive bystander, a silent watcher. 

You want to be special. You want to be a hero. You want to be noticed for something fantastic that you've done. 

Back to the books bitch. Failing High School is not an option.

Stress.

I'm a bit stressed this weekend. 

An exchange student is coming to stay with my family for 2 weeks! 

And my mum is freaking out. 

She's worried about everything and how clean the house is and the mould on the shower and the spider outside and just EVERYTHING.

And it's rubbing off on me. 

The more she worries, the more I stress about her worrying. 

And I'm actually starting to feel sick and I have aches in my back.

I feel constantly on edge about something going horribly wrong.

And that is not something I'm proud to admit.

I want to curl up in bed and just sleep until the exchange student arrives.

Hopefully I feel better soon.

I hope you're having a better day than I.

Best Wishes,

Over-Enthusiastic-Fangirl xoxo

Living Dead.

My Life is pretty good I guess. 

But some days I just feel empty inside. 

The clouds outside seem cold rather than a promise of hope that rain will come. 

Everything just seems heavier. My schoolbooks are leadweights that I have to drag with my useless hands through the school full of faces. 

Lonely faces, happy faces. 

Some of their smiles are see-through. They're so fake that they look almost constipated. 

Most days are good though. 

But still empty. 

I'll lie in bed at night and wonder what I have achieved in the tiny day in the tiny lifetime of one tiny human being who has hardly made a scrape on the surface of the world. 

Would I be remembered in 50 years if I died today?

Sad songs in sad moments. 

The emotions of the singer fill me up. 

I'm not alone in my pain. 

Marina understands me.

The zombie-like walk between weeks is full of emptiness.

Living Dead by Marina and the Diamonds

--Over-Enthusiastic-Fangirl xoxo