An open Letter #3 [from 15.09.15]

An open letter to the bestest chummy in the world,

I’m not gonna lie to you, sometimes I think I’m losing you to cooler people. They know their goal in life (even if it is a goal I wouldn’t set for myself). You work with them; you’re in band with them; you go to their parties. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the sort of person successful people should try to be friends with. I’m kind of a deadweight sometimes.

Sorry about that. I’m nowhere near as driven to be amazing as you are. You are consistently persistent in everything you do and you have more friends than I am ever going to have because you connect with them so quickly. Your constant striving for achievement is going to send you places that I will only be able to wave up to.

Sometimes I don’t tell you things because I think you’re too busy or that you’ll judge me for it (your other friends wouldn’t have these problems). But at the very least I know that I can always come to you for your honest and sincere opinion. You’ve had more experience in everything than me. I feel like I’m one (or two or three) steps behind you in all aspects of life that are actually going to matter after school.

Your family feels like they’re so much more close knit and honest than my family. You can tell them your honest opinion on anything because they accept it and don’t really push you to change your mind. In my family I feel there are some things that if I said them, I would be judged for saying. I feel so comfortable when I hang out with you and your family because I don’t have to watch what I say so readily. I like that your family is so flexible. I can turn up at weird times and your family just accepts it and moves on (I wish I could say the same about my family. I really do).

I feel so chill when I hang out with you. I can be crazy or stupid and you don’t mind. We can insult each other because we trust each other to know that we don’t mean it, not really. You don’t judge me for the things I do or say. You know me and you don’t feel the need to change me. You’ve always accepted me for who I am, so I know that I’ll always do the same for you.

When I’m feeling like I need to talk to someone in person, you’re always the first person who springs to mind because you never seem to be too busy for me. I’ll give any excuse to hang out with you, like the pretence of making you tuna pasta (which I love doing because food and friends are my favourite things, especially when they’re together!). Hell, I would come help you clean if it meant that it’d be okay for me to come and pour out my little heart.

You’ve proven that I can always count on you, even if you’re much more popular and successful than me.

I will always strive to treat you with the same respect that you have always treated me with. You’ve always forgiven me for mucking around and wasting time. I know that I can be stupid or silly or however I’m feeling.

I feel so much more like me when I hang out with you (who’s always the most you!)

--Best wishes

from me. <3

An open Letter #2 [from 15.09.15]

An open letter to my dearest and closest confidante,

Sometimes I screw you over. I know this. Usually when I do it, I’m feeling hurt or angry or more intelligent than you (which I’m not. We just have different strengths. I need to remind myself of this whenever I’m feeling particularly inferior or superior, because I clearly don’t do it often enough yet). And every time that I end up thinking I know better, we both end up worse off. So I’m gonna try to keep that to a minimum.

I trust you more with my feelings than I trust myself. When I don’t really know what I’m feeling, I’ll come first to you, because I know that you understand me and you’ll at least have some ideas for how to help. You know where I fall short and where I come up, and I think that without you, somone else would be getting more than their fair share of constant problems (sorry about that).

When something goes wrong with you, it goes wrong with me too. I care about you enough that things that upset you will upset me as well. When people throw around means words carelessly like knives, every slice on your skin becomes a bruise in my heart. When you’re sad, I get angry; when you’re angry, I’m angry too. We’ve become too attached to attempt to cut us apart now; we’d just end up hurting the both of us all the more.

Sometimes I judge you and it hurts you but I ignore the pain as though with painkillers. But the dull throb of guilt fades back in as time passes and I have to choose to do something about the hole in my soul. Just the other day as I read a quote from a feel-good compilation, some words stuck out at me. “A friend’s job is not to pass judgement but to be there, no matter what.” I sometimes screw that one up, big time. I need to remember that your decisions are yours to make. I’m not your leader, I don’t get to choose what you do and don’t. Even if your choices are bad, they are still your choices and I will respect that you made them. If things go wrong, it’s not my job to discipline you. Usually there are natural consequences. I’ll just help you through them. You hopefully won’t make the same mistake next time.

It’s never been my place to tell you who to be; it’s my place to be me next to you. We won’t always agree (spoiler alert!) and that’s okay. It might mean that I don’t help you do something. If it goes well, I’ll still be happy for you. If it goes horribly, I’ll still support you, even (especially) if you’re limping. Friends don’t give on friends after 5 years because they disagreed. Friends give on friends because they stop trying. And that is one thing I will never do. I will never stop trying.

I’m too passionate about you and the great person you’ve become to drop it all now. (And we all know how I get when I’m passionate about something).

So I guess I just wanted to let you know that I know where my shortcomings are and that I’m still trying my best in this three-legged race called friendship. I know that if I fall down or decide to stop walking it’ll all go terribly. I’m trying my best to keep pace with you, wherever that is. We might’ve started out with only a small ribbon binding us, leaving us easier to escape but easier to fall, but now we’re fused at the hip and all the way down to the toenails we painted for each other. It might be harder to stay in sync, but when we stay in time, we’ll be unstoppable.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’re a team, you and I. A team that I will passionately support for as long as I possibly can.

--Best wishes,

from me. <3

An Open Letter #1 [from 15.09.2015]

An open letter to the person I like,

I’m not even sure if I like you, if I’m being perfectly honest. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between platonic and romantic feelings, which confuses me to say the least. I’m not sure if I want to go out with you or just be friends. (Though, I’m thinking preferably both.)

In fact, while we’re on the topic of romantic/platonic feelings, let’s address my sexual and romantic orientations. I’m asexual, which means that I’m not sexually attracted to you (or anyone else for that matter). But guess what, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to go out with you! It just means I don’t want “the booty” as they say. I’m also demi-romantic, which means that I’m not interested in being romantically involved with you until I’ve emotionally connected with you (ie. I need to be close friends with you before I want to date you). So don’t just think that I’ll go out with you because we’re friends. I want to know on an emotional level before I’m interested in you.

I care about you (a lot). And I get disappointed when we don’t talk. I feel awkward making small talk with you because I want to know your opinions on the world. What do you think are your greatest flaws? What do you think are my greatest flaws? What do you like best about your friends? What are you really after in a relationship? What’s one thing that would ruin your relationship with someone irrevocably? I want to know the inner workings of (your name). I want to talk about the deepest stuff because that is where the best friendships are formed. You wanna know why people who go through trauma together become closely intertwined? It’s because trauma brings out the best and the worst of those people’s essences’. They aren’t just friends with connections on the face value of life. They know the other because they’re felt the other’s heart barely beating in their arms and they both survived it.

I want to able to see you and feel a warm surge of familiarity. I want to understand why you do certain things the way you do.  When you yell at someone because they hit a nerve, I want to know why that nerve is sensitive. I don’t want to just have a feeling of “wanting to know you”; I want to feel at home when we talk, without the carefully formed answers to portray a certain emotion; I want to not worry about coming off a certain way.

I want to be comfortable enough around you that I won’t be worried if you’re crushing on me because I respect you enough as a person to value your care for me. I want us to be close enough that even if we can’t date, you’ll still respect me as someone you care about. I want to feel close enough that I won’t be afraid of losing you because I already know I can count on you to be around always.

I realise that at this point I may be coming off borderline obsessive. I’m not, I just know what I want in my close relationships. I don’t want there to be pressure on our relationship in any direction. I don’t want to feel embarrassed for saying certain things or screwing up what I say because we’ll trust each other enough not to care.

So I’m sorry if this isn’t what you’re interested in. I know that not everyone will share my opinions, and I don’t expect them to.

But if we ever end up near to this, I’m letting you know now that this is the direction I’ll be tugging in.

--Best Wishes

from me. <3

Whoa.

Looking back on this blog is weird.

It's like a vortex to a past me. And past me is kinda shitty, not gonna lie.

I must say, I thought this blog would be more popular when I started. You know, like Gossip Girl from the hit TV show Gossip Girl?

(Can you tell I've only watched it like twice maybe?)

Because in case you haven't noticed, no-one really cares about this blog. Honestly, the only reason I'm leaving it up is because it's actually kinda interesting to look back on some sort of person I used to be. 

(Also I'm pretty fuckin' lazy - ain't nobody got time for changing everything!)

I think I'm a lot happier with myself now, because I've realised that school isn't everything and that being good at school does not equal being good at life.

I've realised that I have dreams beyond school now. 

I've realised that I am so much more than what I always believed - a school nerd. Because I sure as hell am a school nerd, but that's not all I am.

I am a fangirl, I'm quiet but loud, I'm fun but kinda classy.

I can be more than just one thing!

Why do we continually try to label ourselves; box ourselves in?

That's not how the world works!

--
Over-Enthusiastic-Fangirl xoxo

The disjointed thoughts of a delusional, self-absorbed teen

Do you ever just feel empty. Not sad, just more like a void of suck which consumes things. 

I have no idea why I'm here. Why do I sit in front of a computer, blogging to people I don't know about the strange feelings I get?

Where does this leave me?

Sometimes I feel like I blame circumstance too much. Maybe I should just start blaming myself? Surely it can't be someone else's fault.

The truth is, I let myself down every single day of my life, and I'm just too stupid to accept it. I cover my own failures with bad jokes, loud music and over enthusiastic dancing. 

Do you ever just want to scream really loud?
I don't want to alarm my neighbours, but I've had this scream building up in my throat for days and I just can't shake it.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever sort out my life. 

I often think about the future.
Will I be happy when I pick my own subjects?
Will I be happy when I graduate?
Will I be happy when I move out?

I don't even really know when I'm happy anymore or when I'm just faking it for my own sake. My parents don't know how I really feel and my friends would just think it's a cry for attention

Which it probably is anyway.
I'm self centred and egotistical and I just don't want to admit it

Why do I always feel so empty? Happiness is only ever fleeting and I want to break free from this mentality but I don't want to draw attention to myself. I guess I'll just stick to inwardly keeping everything in until I break once again.

At least then I won't embarrass myself in front of other people again.

Where am I going?

Where am I going?

What am I doing with my life?

These are the questions that I ask as I sit alone in my room, listening to music and watching YouTube videos about Australian Consumer Law.

Since when I have I gotten so philosophical?

I feel so depressing when I write things online...Where does the over-enthusiastic side of me go when I feel sad?

Does it disappear, leaving me to my misery or is it simply dulled in comparison to circumstance?

Why is life so unfair? 

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I know people who have cancer and they have never beaten people up or been a rowdy mess when people have done nothing wrong. 

Newton said that every force has an equal and opposite reaction, but where is it when the bad things are happening?

What is the silver lining of cancer? 

Does everything everything really have a silver lining, or is that just what we say to make ourselves feel better?

(Why can I only ask these questions anonymously on the internet?)

The cold hard shock of reality like icy water in the morning.

When you first get to High School, it's all very exciting. I mean - moving from classroom to classroom? Getting different teachers? Fancy timetables?

That didn't last too long. 

I am now in grade 10 and let me tell you now that High School isn't all it's chalked up to be. 

I have never had a boyfriend. I haven't gracefully run into the perfect guy as I've dropped all my books and he helps me. 

I trip over my own disgusting brown leather school shoes easily enough, and my friends are the only ones who help me.

You don't have problems about the centre lunch table and who's captain of the football team because in Australia, you don't have a cafeteria or a football team as such.

No-one calls you "loser" but that's only because they sure as hell won't talk to you. 

You don't get drunk at a party and confess your undying love for your crush because you sit in the corner, suffering through the minutes by drinking lemonade with a fork.

Suddenly even the sweet arty girls notice you're weird. 

Your only solace is finding joy in fictional worlds where shit happens, but everything turns out alright in the end. 

You dream of joining them, but they're so far away. You just have to be content with admiring them from the outside looking in. A passive bystander, a silent watcher. 

You want to be special. You want to be a hero. You want to be noticed for something fantastic that you've done. 

Back to the books bitch. Failing High School is not an option.

Stress.

I'm a bit stressed this weekend. 

An exchange student is coming to stay with my family for 2 weeks! 

And my mum is freaking out. 

She's worried about everything and how clean the house is and the mould on the shower and the spider outside and just EVERYTHING.

And it's rubbing off on me. 

The more she worries, the more I stress about her worrying. 

And I'm actually starting to feel sick and I have aches in my back.

I feel constantly on edge about something going horribly wrong.

And that is not something I'm proud to admit.

I want to curl up in bed and just sleep until the exchange student arrives.

Hopefully I feel better soon.

I hope you're having a better day than I.

Best Wishes,

Over-Enthusiastic-Fangirl xoxo

Living Dead.

My Life is pretty good I guess. 

But some days I just feel empty inside. 

The clouds outside seem cold rather than a promise of hope that rain will come. 

Everything just seems heavier. My schoolbooks are leadweights that I have to drag with my useless hands through the school full of faces. 

Lonely faces, happy faces. 

Some of their smiles are see-through. They're so fake that they look almost constipated. 

Most days are good though. 

But still empty. 

I'll lie in bed at night and wonder what I have achieved in the tiny day in the tiny lifetime of one tiny human being who has hardly made a scrape on the surface of the world. 

Would I be remembered in 50 years if I died today?

Sad songs in sad moments. 

The emotions of the singer fill me up. 

I'm not alone in my pain. 

Marina understands me.

The zombie-like walk between weeks is full of emptiness.

Living Dead by Marina and the Diamonds

--Over-Enthusiastic-Fangirl xoxo

Advanced Napping and the Politics of Relationships

Well...hey there again. Sorry that I haven't updated. I been kinda busy taking advanced napping and reading a poo-load of books. In one week, I've already read ten 500 page books, so...

It's holidays, and I am spending most of my time sleeping. I'm just soooo tired!

I would totally take an Advanced Napping Class. *yawn*

I made mini puff pastry pizzas for Spyro and I to have for lunch. Not all of them were puffy, but they they were all yum!

Looking back on posts from months ago is weird. I've changed so much since then.

I don't really have a crush on Chivalry anymore. I keep wondering if boys like me and I've decided that I love the idea of being loved by someone. 

All my friends are single at the moment. Spazz Queen has been in 2 relationships since I last mentioned her. Both ended badly (Like I knew they would.)

Sweetheart and Unicorn broke up. (Is it bad that I hope they get back together?) It was painful for everyone, but they're still pretty good friends. 

Bookworm was in a relationship once. He broke up with her because she was (and I quote) "too nerdy." WTF???? He was a D-Bag anyway.

Mr Annoying, however is in an on-again, off-again relationship with the Wicked Witch of the West. Like seriously...She flirts with all of his friends and lies all over them (even Unicorn). They say they don't like it when she does, but don't do anything about it. 

I'm just over here in my corner, never been in a relationship club. I'm kinda glad because the politics of relationships are just tiring. 

Love you, dear readers....
--Over-Enthusiastic-Fangirl xoxo